Junk Food
by shade of life
Summary: The children are hungry, but all that they find is some of Misato's cooking... *just reformatted the story and claened it up a bit.*


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Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion, Gainax does, so get of my friggin back. 

Notes: This is my first attempt at humor so bear with me okay. And thanks to my sister for helping out. Please note that we are from Sweden; so don't be to hard on us concerning the spelling and grammar, ok? There will be a lot of OOC, but that's what makes it funny. Now then, on with our show. 

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Junk Food

By: Shade

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It was a very fine day in Tokyo-3.

The sun was shining, the birds were singing and there wasn't a cloud in sight.

Even Asuka was quite calm and cheerful this day, something that Shinji was infinitely thankful for.

Rei however was her same old self as she sat at the opposite end of the couch.

Since it was Sunday there were no school, but there was some big exercise planned for today and they were to report at NERV in about three hours.

It all seemed very typical to Shinji, while everyone else got to have fun on a beautiful day like this he had to participate in some damn exercise.

Rei had come to the apartment to brief him and Asuka on the operation and Shinji had asked her to have lunch with them before they went to headquarters.

Asuka hadn't even complained half as much as she usually would, which just made the day seem even better, and was presently scanning the fridge for something edible while Shinji and Rei chilled in front of the TV.

"Find any food yet?" Shinji shouted into the kitchen where Asuka was busy cursing Misato for forgetting to shop again.

"No not yetbut wait a minute, there's a plate tucked in the back here." She answered and started to fumble about in the fridge.

"Now let's se what weGOTT IM HIMMEL!!!What the hell is this stuff?" She shouted.

Shinji got up and walked to the kitchen to see what she found this time, he could remember a number of times when they had found things in the fridge that looked like something from "Night of the Living Dead", but had turned out to be leftovers that had developed a life of it's own.

But at the sight of the thing on the counter he gasped in horror.

It was a sickening brownish colored lump, with pieces of unidentifiable things sticking out of it.

"Is it dead?" He asked while trying to keep Asuka between himself and the thing on the counter.

"I sure hope so," she answered as she poked at it with a chopstick, "I think we need a bio-containment team, or an exorcist."

"There has to be something else to eat." Shinji said as he desperately ran around the kitchen looking for anything that wasn't brown and foul looking.

At that time Rei came in to the kitchen with a slightly wondering look on her face.

"Why are you shouting?" She asked calmly.

"Because, Wondergirl, this appears to be the only thing that resembles food in the apartment." Asuka answered and pointed to the lump.

Rei walked over to the counter and examined it closer with a look of real interests, "It doesn't smell bad, it might still be edible," she stated, then she looked over at Shinji, "What is Ikari doing?" she asked.

"AHA!!" Shinji shouted as he pulled out a tube from a cabinet and held it triumphantly over his head, "We have mustard!" He announced proudly.

The girls looked at the beaming Shinji with a look normally reserved for wardens in a mental institutions (yes Napoleon, I can se the pink elephant to, now eat your medicine).

"What the hell are we going to do with a tube of old mustard baka!?" Asuka exclaimed.

"Wellwe'll eat it of course," Shinji answered, "And it's not old, it's fromlast October!?"

"That's old." Rei said calmly.

"That's not old, it's ancient!" Asuka shouted at the sulking Shinji, "Now then, what do we do about this situation?" she asked as she looked at the two other children.

"That's the oldest mustard I've ever seen." Shinji said and looked at the tube with wonder.

"Will you shut up about the mustard." Asuka was fighting hard to keep her temper under control.

"Ok, How about some takeout?" Shinji asked.

"Good idea baka, anybody have some cash?" she asked.

"No." Rei answered, Shinji just shook his head.

"Shiest, me neither." Asuka sighed and sat down at the table, suddenly she smiled wickedly at Shinji.

"Hey Shinji, twenty bucks says you don't have the guts to eat that stuff." she said, still smiling.

"You don't have any money, you said so yourself." he shot back, suddenly having a very bad feeling about the way this was going. 

"I'll owe it to you." she answered.

Shinji was torn, on one side was his pride and the male instinct to show who's "The Man", and on the other side was that pile of brown goop that had to be something that (horror above all horror) Misato cooked up.

The sound of Asuka impersonating a chicken settled it.

"Nuke me a plate." he said grimly and sat down at the table.

"I will also have some." Rei stated and joined Shinji at the table.

That shut Asuka up, her spontaneous thought was that she could not loose to Rei, so almost before she had noticed it she had uttered the phrase that had sent many bold men to their graves, "If your eating, I'm eating."

Shinji smiled, and the phrase "Revenge, sweet revenge," echoed through his mind as Asuka prepared three plates of the Nameless Brown Stuff', as he had come to call it, and brought them to the table.

"Okay," she said with very little enthusiasm, "Dig in."

***

"Where the hell are they? They where suppose to be here twenty minutes ago."

Misato Katsuragi was not in a good mood.

They had been planning this exercise for over a month, and then the pilots had the nerve to be late.

"Calm down, I'm sure they have a good explanation." Ritsuko said calmingly and poured herself a cup of coffee.

They were sitting in a break room much like any other break room, or actually Ritsuko was sitting calmly at a table drinking coffee, Misato however was pacing up and down the room fuming and cursing under her breath.

Then they heard a sound of footsteps and laughter approaching from the other side of the door.

"Well at least they are in good spirits." Ritsuko pointed out and rose to her feet.

"I'll teach them a lesson they will not soon forget." Misato growled and turned towards the door with anticipation.

But when the door opened she forgot everything she was about to say, she heard a loud crash when Ritsukos coffee cup shattered against the floor, and she could feel her mouth falling open and her eyes bulging out, yet she was to shocked to care.

There in the door was Asuka and Rei, with one arm around each other's shoulders, and laughing almost hysterically.

"You know Wondergirl," Asuka said between giggle attacks, "You crack me up."

"Likewise," she answered "and I haven't even told you the one about the rabbi and the nun yet."

After that they both collapsed on the floor laughing.

It took Misato several tries to get anything coherent to come out of her mouth, and when she finally got something out she just shouted "WHAT THE HELL!!"

"Oh, hey Misato." Asuka greeted "Did you know Rei tells one mean rabbi joke?"

"Your jokes about Norway was pretty good to you know." Rei shot back as she tried, and failed to get up on her feet, which just set of another laughter attack.

"My god." Misato thought, "They are actually giving each other compliments, they must be high or something."

"Well, where's Shinji?" she asked the two giggling girls.

"Oh Ikari, he saw some girl he wanted to try and pick up, he'll be along any minute." Rei answered as she finally got up from the floor.

"HE DID WHAT!?" Misato shouted, once again shocked out of her mind.

At that moment the door slid up and Shinji walked into the room.

"Well, he seems fine, maybe he can tell me what happened." Misato thought as she looked at him.

Her illusion was crushed almost immediately.

"S'up y'all? Third Child in da house." He hollered, and then all three of the children collapsed into giggles.

***

"Have you seen these synch scores?" Ritsuko asked Misato who was staring at the feed from the test plugs.

"What about them?" she asked grumpily.

"Well all of them are at least ten points higher than usual," she answered "they have never been this good before."

"WILL YOU GUYS CUT THAT OUT!?" Misato suddenly screamed into the microphone.

The children immediately stopped humming the "Star Wars theme" with a sullen "Yes Mom" and then started giggling like idiots again.

"Have you gotten the blood tests back yet?" Misato asked Ritsuko and turned away from the screen in disgust.

"Yes, they are negative for drugs, alcohol and everything else we could think of." she answered while reading from her clipboard.

"Then what the hell is wrong with them? They're behaving like mental cases."

"As far as I can se they are in better shape than usual," Ritsuko answered, "They're probably just acting."

"Rei is laughing, I have never even seen her chuckle before." Misato said and pointed to the screen where all three of them were laughing manically.

"Well, you have a point there." Ritsuko answered thoughtfully.

Suddenly Asukas voice came over the communication system "Hellooooooo, is anybody out there."

"Yes Asuka, what is it?" Ritsuko answered and turned her attention back to the screen.

"Are we done yet? I need to go to the bathroom." She answered with a typical "Mommy-I-need-to-go-now" voice.

"Okay you can all get out now." Ritsuko answered and turned back to Misato "As I said, I can find nothing out of the ordinary to explain their behavior."

"Do you think we have time for a CAT-scan?" Misato asked as she observed how Shinji and Rei wrestled Asuka to the ground and started tickling her mercilessly.

"No, as a matter of fact we are to report at the test site in about an hour, you have to make a decision." Ritsuko answered and started to walk toward the door.

"If you can just make them behave they shouldn't be a problem." She said as she exited the room.

"Not to mention that if I cancel this exercise now Ikari will have my head on a plate." Misato thought as she watched how Asuka retaliated by pulling Shinji around in his ear; while Rei laughed so hard she could barely stand up.

Half an hour later they were ready to go, and Misato were giving them some final words ofencouragement.

"And if you do anything silly or embarrass me in any way, I will personally hunt you down and strangle you with my bare hands." Misato said as they were getting ready to board the transport.

"We promise." They answered just a little to innocently, but she had her mind elsewhere and didn't notice it.

She also failed to notice that all three of them had their fingers crossed behind their backs.

***

After a short flight they arrived at the test site in Old Tokyo.

In the mobile command center, at the edge of the test area, Misato, Ritsuko and sub commander Fuyutski was watching the preparations being completed on an array of monitors.

"Mobile powerplant is up and running." a technician announced.

"All three EVA's have switched to external power, we are green across the board." another technician announced while reading of a screen in front of him.

"You may proceed major." Fuyutski said as he observed the screens.

Misato merely nodded and turned to the microphone.

"Today we will train actual combat techniques and strategy." Misato informed the children over the radio, "That's why we moved you out here, so you can practice full range combat without damaging the city."

"Can't mess this place up worse than it is." Shinji answered cheerfully.

"Word up." Asuka said with equal cheerfulness "Somebody messed this place up bad."

"That somebody was the Second Impact, now shut up and move out." Misato said a bit harsher than she meant, but it was just too much stress for one day.

"Ok ok, you don't have to get so pissed of about it, jeez." Rei answered and started to walk forward with the others.

"She is behaving very odd today." Fuyutski remarked with a calm voice.

"Yes, but her synch score have never been higher so it's probably a good thing" Ritsuko answered while studying one of the screens.

"Ok guys, you are about to come up on a target." Misato informed over the radio, "When it shows up I want Shinji to lay down suppressive fire, While Asuka and Rei circle around and attack from the flanks, got it?"

"Okeli dokeli." came the simultaneous answer from the pilots.

"Oh brother." Misato groaned and hid her face in her hands.

The EVA's had now armed themselves and was continuing down the street with a little more caution.

Suddenly a 1:1 scale model of the third Angel slid out from behind a ruined skyscraper.

Asuka and Rei immediately broke to the right and left, leaving Unit-01 standing alone in front of the target.

Shinji looked down at the handgun he had armed Unit-01 with, and then threw it over his shoulder and broke into a run down the street.

With a fierce war cry he flung the EVA into the air and elbow dropped the dummy, crushing it completely under its massive body.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?" Misato shouted, suddenly Rei and Asuka came running towards the lying Unit-01.

"PILE UP!?" They shouted as they threw themselves on top of Shinji.

"Anybody care to explain this?" Fuyutski asked his minions with a slightly enraged look on his face.

The minions in question looked around with an obvious discomfort, then Misato stepped forward.

"Well sir, they kinda were like this when they came in today." she said while studying the space between her feet.

"And you still let them pilot because?" he asked while staring intently on her.

"Welltheir scores were better than usual, and I thought they would quit as soon as it got serious." she answered, still very fascinated with the floor.

"Obviously you were wrong." He said, but before he was able to continue, the radio came active again.

"Get off me dammit, you bitches weigh a friggin ton." Shinji was busy trying to get up from the not so small crater that had been formed under him.

"HEY! For your information I happen to be very slim and fit, so there." Asuka fussed as she got to her feet.

"Likewise." Rei said a bitterly as she got off Shinji's back.

"Aw come on girls, you know I love you just the way you are." Shinji said as he to rose up and stretched Unit-01 to it's full length.

"He's kinda cute when he does that, isn't he?" Rei asked Asuka.

"Definitely." she answered.

"Score." Shinji thought, and smiled.

"Can you explain what the hell you think you're doing?" Misato's voice suddenly came over the speakers; she sounded like she was struggling to keep her emotions under control.

"We're just goofing around Misato, don't take it so seriously." Shinji answered with a dismissing wave of his hand.

"Nobody thinks it's funny, now get your shit together or I will send you home in traction!" She grumbled from behind clenched teeth.

"Hey I'm getting pretty tired of you bossing us around all the time." Asuka exclaimed "Come on guys let's go play with our EVA's somewhere else."

"Yeah!" Shinji and Rei agreed and started walking away behind Asuka.

For a moment everybody just stared at the screen.

"YOU COME BACK HERE AT ONCE, THAT'S AN ORDER! DO YOU HEAR ME!?" Misato screamed, angrier than she had been in a very long time.

"Shove it up your ass!" Rei retorted and gave them the finger over the videolink.

THAT shocked the entire crew into silence.

"Eject the plugs, get them out of there." Ritsuko ordered one of the techs.

He typed a string of commands on his computer, and then he frowned.

"Negative, no response from the plugs." He answered.

"Then cut of the power supply." She said to him.

He typed another command, and frowned again.

"Still nothing, they aren't accepting the commands." He answered and turned to Ritsuko.

"Why can't we do anything? They can't cut us off like this can they?" Misato asked, she was obviously extremely angry, and everyone eyed her carefully.

"They are obviously overriding us with sheer willpower," she answered, "we wont get anything in unless they are distracted by something."

Then Misato suddenly shone up, you could almost se the light bulb over her head.

She grabbed a headset from a tech and contacted the ground crew.

"This is major Katsuragi here, I want you to shut down the powerplants immediately." She ordered, "Hah, let's see what they can do without power." She thought and smiled to herself.

"Will do ma'm." The tech on the other end answered.

A few minutes later the power input dropped to zero, but nothing else happened.

"What the hell? Shouldn't they switch to internal power by now? She asked Ritsuko.

"Yes, but you're forgetting the batteries at the plants." She answered, "They started to load when we started them up, they should have two hours worth of juice in them by now."

"Two hours! You mean we have to wait two hours until they shut down?" Misato exclaimed.

"I'm afraid so, we'll just have to wait them out." Ritsuko answered calmly and took a seat.

"I think you and I should have a talk, in private." Fuyutski said to Misato with an ominous tone in his voice.

On the screen the three EVA's had formed a line and was now dancing Can-Can. 

And the ground shook under their power.

***

It was now about one and a half hours later, and the children were running out of fun stuff to do.

They had tired of dancing pretty fast, so they had tried to play baseball with a couple of steel beams from a factory and some old cars.

The cars kept shattering, and they had to find another bat after the fourth game, but it had been okay until the Unit-00 accident.

Rei had tried to slide for a homerun and crashed into a ruin, that fell on top of her.

It had taken them ten minutes to dig her out, and after that nobody wanted to play anymore.

After that they had spent half an hour leveling every building and ruin they could find that still stood up.

Now they were reduced to carving up the roads with their progressive knifes and throwing the pieces at things.

"This is boooooooring." Asuka sighed and threw a large piece of sidewalk into what had once been a good size apartment complex.

"Yeah, and my stomach is actin' kinda funky." Shinji added while listening to the grumbles from his belly.

"Same here, think it was the weird lump we had at Misato's?" Rei asked while cutting up a wall into little pieces.

"Probably, I knew there was something foul over that thing from the start." Shinji answered while his stomach seemed to get louder.

"Have you guys noticed that we have been acting kind of weird today?" Asuka asked, she was also feeling a little odd around the abdominal area.

"I know what you mean," Rei answered, "I have some difficulty remembering large parts of the day."

"Hey Rei you are talking like normal again!" Shinji exclaimed, he really wasn't feeling well he noticed.

She looked thoughtful for a while and then said: "interesting."

"I really feel awful." Asuka complained, and suddenly her EVA fell forward onto its face and came offline.

Suddenly the same happened to Unit-00, leaving Shinji as the only one standing.

"Eh, guys? Come on this is not funny. Guys!?" He shouted into the radio, but to no avail.

And then he felt how a great drowsiness came over him.

In the command center everybody was astounded.

"Unit-01 have gone silent." A tech announced, while a screen showed the EVA toppling over and hitting the ground.

"I don't get it," Ritsuko said, "They had at least twenty minutes left."

"Who cares," Misato said heatedly, "Let's get them out of there before they wake up again."

She smiled at the thought of what she would do to them as soon as there was opportunity.

"We'll say that the exercise went as planned," Fuyutski said, "nobody say a word to Ikari about this episode".

Everybody nodded in agreement.

***

Two days later the three children were still home from school.

"I want to die, why can't I die?" Asuka moaned from the couch, and then leaned over the bucket on the floor and vomited noisily.

Shinji was lying on a mattress on the floor and was in about as good a shape as Asuka.

Even Rei was there, lying on the opposite end of the room and enduring her misery silently (but, to Asuka's great delight, she too had used the bucket quite a few times since she got here).

Misato had brought her over because she said she wanted to keep an eye on all of them, but Shinji was convinced that she just wanted to see them suffer together.

After they had been pulled out of their entry plugs they had been diagnosed with mild food poisoning, given some medication, and sent home to be chewed out by Misato.

Nobody had been able to figure out why they had acted the way they did, or why they only had sketchy memories of the entire day.

"Hey guys." Misato called from the kitchen, "This meatloaf that I made, was it any good?"

Shinji and Asuka stared at each other for a second, then Shinji answered: "It was fine, why do you ask?"

"Because I'm hungry of course," she called back, "I'll finish it off if none of you want any."

"We're fine." They called back in unison.

"Okay then." She said, they could hear the sound of the microwave in the background.

Shinji and Asuka both wore identical sadistic grins as they watched the kitchen with anticipation.

And as Shinji looked over to the corner at Rei, he could se that even she had a wicked little smile plastered across here face.

The End

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I had a very good time writing this piece, so if you like it I might do some more humor.

I got the inspiration for this little piece while listening to "Living in the Fridge" by Weird Al Yancovic (sung to the tune of "Living on the Edge" by Aerosmith).

The first verse goes like this: 

There's something weird in the fridge today, 

I don't now what it is.

Food I can't recognize.

My roommate won't throw a thing away; 

I guess it's probably his.

It looks like it's alive.

And living in the fridge.


End file.
